Relationships in “Chapter 4” by Erin Hart

The most interesting aspect of this chapter of Erin’s as-yet-untitled novel is the development of relationships. From their mannerisms and speech, one can gather that the characters are of high school age, and Erin has captured the emotions of a high school girl in an unfamiliar place very well. I particularly noted the fact that Rose was so desperate to get along well with her cabin-mates that she refrained from asking important questions about Sean Marcus. She is determined to succeed in her new environment, but at what cost? The dinner-time conversation between Rose, Julie, and Sean enlightens us further in the processes of Rose’s mind. Rose not only watches Sean, but Julie’s reactions to him as well.

The only real issue I have with this piece is that Erin tends to tell rather than show. In many cases, this provides some expediency of narration, but it is less necessary during dialogue and internal monologue. For instance, on the last page, Julie tells Rose a lot of vital information, but in a very small amount of space. It would be nice to see this information spread out more, and demonstrated through Ardara and Sean instead of simply spoken aloud by an outside voice.

Judgment in “Cruisin’ for Christ” by Micah Riecker

The rumor mill is in full and vicious cycle in Micah’s story, and with it the inevitable judgment. It’s all very ironic but not unexpected, that on a church-supported cruise people are passing rumors and judgment left and right. What is truly fascinating here is the variety of judgments cast down and the lack of good reasons for these statements. While most of the story seems to revolve around dealing with Denise and “that atheist of hers,” the underlying problem is David’s guilt complexes. Don, Joshua, and Emily judge others very harshly, but David is constantly watching himself and doing mental penance for anything that seems even slightly sinful. The irony in all this is clearly that while Christians are told in the Bible to reserve judgment, every crucial character in this piece except David, Denise, and Allan is a back-stabbing gossip.

What I seem to be missing in all this is the motivation for such wretched behavior. Without an explanation for Emily and others’ meanness, the piece itself seems to be passing judgment on churchgoers as judgmental gossips. And exactly what is Emily holding over David’s head? I read through the story several times and I just couldn’t find his dirty little secret. Can you show us more of the relationships between the characters and more about each one?

Voice in the untitled work by Jon Crylen

This is a wonderful piece. That said, I particularly adore the close-third narration and the voice of Patrick Hunt. The story has a wonderful air of nostalgia to its narration that makes me feel like I’m listening to a friend telling a story about when he was a kid, but it still has the immediacy needed to keep a reader’s attention. Phrases like “bosomy cursive” give us a very good idea of the age of the narrator as he tells the story. I was strongly reminded of the voice and narration in “Gryphon” by Charles Baxter (high compliment from me, by the way; read it if you haven’t already).

My only suggestion would be to tighten the narration at the very beginning of the story. We have no idea that the story is from Patrick’s point of view until page 2, when Charlie Johnson bursts out that Patrick is the guilty party in the bus seat caper. It confused me when the narration switched from a general class-room view to Patrick’s voice. Perhaps you could bring in Patrick a bit earlier?

The Mother-Son Relationship in “Lasers on Steel” by Randy Robertson

Robert is a really interesting character. He is so genuinely human in all his fears and concerns. The really fascinating aspect of this great story is Robert’s relationship with his mother. To the world, he presents the image of being somewhat ashamed of living with his mother at the age of 35, but he truly loves her. He gets really concerned when she cries at 4:30 in the morning. He cares for her because her father and her husband never did; Robert’s grandfather was abusive, and his mother is broken because of all the other men in her life. Robert puts his own goals aside for her, genuinely concerned.

The issue I have with this piece is that you occasionally pull away from the close third in narration, going to a regular third person narrative. The paragraph on page 4 that begins “Robert didn’t have much to show for his life” tells us a lot about Robert, but from an outsider’s point of view. Can he show us these facts in his own voice? Because that’d be awesome.

Appearance and Affect in “Harriet” by Kathryn Goldthwaite

This piece begins with a wonderful exposition on public appearance and politics (the name of the groom’s character might be a bit over the top, but that’s not a huge issue). It sets up Rose’s mother’s obsession with appearance perfectly. We’re so used to thinking that the rich are the ones obsessed with looks and publicity; it was good to see this contradiction so subtly pulled off.

One of the best things about this piece is Harriet’s affect in the car scene. She puts her feet on the dashboard and picks at her toenails in front of her mother. This is such a great demonstration of her contempt for appearances. Using phrases like “as my mother puts it, look presentable for the wedding” do the same thing very skillfully.

I only ask that you put a bit more of this gorgeous affect in the final scene. We lose Harriet’s emotions and reactions on page 7, and it would be lovely to see more. Character development can go all the way to the end of the piece, and Harriet seems like such a deep and awesome character. Give us more!