Untitled piece by Erin Hart

I’ll admit it, I nearly cried at the end of this story. While the subject is potentially cliché, the piece is beautifully put together and makes the reader genuinely concerned for the narrator’s plight. It has everything a first-person narrative should. Watching the narrator talking about Betha so lovingly made me sympathize instantly with her (the narrator’s) emotions. The voice is nearly always consistent, only breaking the respect-for-the-dead tone in small instances like the use of the word “vomit-a-thon.” The piece reads like a eulogy for a truly beloved person. Honestly, other than a change of word-choice in a few areas of the piece, I have no suggestions. Brava, Erin.

“Anchoring” by Micah Riecker

This story was beautifully written. Kudos to Micah. I loved looking at the world through Oley’s eyes. Watching Robby crushing the squirrel from Oley’s perspective was fascinatingly disgusting. He is helpless in this situation, but so strong and comforting when his friend is really in danger. The relationship between Oley and Eric was built very well. Nothing drastic needed to happen in order to understand exactly how far Oley was willing to go to help Eric through his hard time. The present tense is used very powerfully to give immediacy to slow and subtle emotions. I would only suggest that you bring up the reason for Eric’s depression a tiny bit earlier in the piece. Otherwise, awesome stuff.

“Robbie” by Randy Robertson

The voice is fantastic in this piece! I loved the first two pages, got completely hooked. The main character’s description of the girl walking into the library tells the reader tomes about his personality. In fact, just the fact that he works at the library and flirts with anything that walks in the door screams GEEK! PITY FRIEND! It leads so well into the scene in which his two friends, described as Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen, are making out with their dates and he’s only there to make sure nothing bad happens. He’s someone to have along for the ride and have fun with, but he’s just not gonna get the girl. Little touches of flirtation (kisses, touches, whispers) are dabbed throughout the story, leading him on but going nowhere. It’s gorgeous.

The piece about Hunter S. Thompson was excellent as well, but it didn’t seem connected to the first scene. While entertaining and well-written, it didn’t say nearly as much about the main character as the scenes with the women did. You’ve got to keep it in here; it’s awesome, so please try to tie the two halves together!

Max-a-Mia by Michelle Trinque

I was a bit confused by the changes in narrator that happened throughout the piece without warning. This can work, but it’ll take a lot of effort and a whole lot more story to make multiple narrators effective. The affect, on the other hand, is brilliantly accomplished. I feel like I know how Julia and Karen move, speak, act, and think pretty well. However, a lot of this understanding comes from both of them telling the story simultaneously. I half expected to see the story from the waiter’s perspective sometimes. Really, you need to pick one narrator and run with her. This will increase the reader’s understanding of the story and the character you pick to work with.

Also, title? I didn’t understand it… If it’s going to be an instruction, then it ought to be in the language of the story.

“The Greatest Show” by Kathryn Goldthwaite

I was a bit confused by exactly what Seraphina was doing at the carnival until page five, and after that I was still unclear about Seraphina’s relationship with her mother until the narrator switched to Leila. Specifically, the last full paragraph on page 5 was confusing. I didn’t know who was speaking, though it seemed that crucial plot points were being explained to either Seraphina or Blue.

Leila and Seraphina are both such beautiful characters, though. You have done a great job of creating real sympathetic people. The dialogue flows very well between all the characters. I guess all it really needs is a little clarification and a conclusion, and you’ll have an excellent story.

Untitled piece by Jon Crylen

Donald seems like a really interesting and deep character, but I can’t find him in this piece. There’s a whole lot going on that seems to attach to him, but he doesn’t seem particularly attached to any of it. Is this piece about his relationship with his grandparents, or about his friendship with Carlisle and Borgnino, or something else entirely? I understand that it’s not a finished piece, but as of so far I have very little desire to read on. I need a reason to attach to Donald, like I needed a reason to attach to Jeffers in Tom’s first story. Watching him with his grandmother, I understood his childhood emotions but could not get a sense of how he was feeling now. Emotions, I guess, are what the piece needs. Is he hiding them too well for me to notice them, or is he just an unemotional character?